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Dear Hurt,
I am sorry your family has experienced this situation.
Allow me to share a story. In 1972, I received a birthday card from my paternal grandparents with $5.00 in it. This was after receiving cards for years with $20.00, and faithfully acknowledging each with both verbal and written thanks. I wrote my grandparents, “Thank you for the $5.00 you sent me for my birthday; I will put it to good use.” I said nothing about being puzzled, hurt or offended. My grandmother said, on her next call, “I guess the $5.00 wasn’t very nice.” I again thanked her for the money. No explanation was offered for the new lowered amount, and the next year I received $20 again.
I tell you this so that you’ll understand the recipient’s point of view. I got $5.00 in 1972. This is 2009, and a graduation, even 8th grade, rates above a run-of-the-mill birthday. Your gift of $5 put a low value on the event.
By my estimates, 8 grandchildren’s birthdays at $20 is $160/year; Christmas or the like another $160, according to you, and even if each granchild has a major milestone per year, and you gave each $50, that’s another $400, so gift totals may run $720/year. If your budget will not allow for this, then its time to think of creative and sincere gifts that you can make or buy in advance or swap for. In the case of this grandson, a book on a subject that interests him, signed by the author would have been nice; yes, it would cost more than $5.00, but convey that effort and thought and care was expended to delight the recipient. In your case, little thought was not salvaged by little expediture.
Now, your daughter could have used more tact in discussing this situation with you and not compared the amount of your gift to others, but I do think it was appropriate of her to be concerned about your financial condition. She should have conveyed the hurt your gift conveyed, rather than the comparison. And, yes, a chance to teach Kevin was lost when she allowed him to write the thank you note he did.
It is up to you to extend apologies first, “Sally, we are sorry to have disappointed you and Kevin. We will try to be more thoughtful next time.” “Kevin, we are so proud of your graduation from 8th grade and love you very much. Please accept our apology for hurting your feelings.”
Next, spend some serious time between now and the next gift-giving occasion learning about your grandson and come up with a way to acknowledge his individuality and your interest in him. Put this experience behind you, don’t let them bully you any longer about this, but realize and acknowledge you could have done better. While this may seem a materialistic matter, it is in fact a demonstrable way of conveying love and interest, and if you don’t get a handle on this, it will skew your family dynamics permanently.
My husband has 8 grandchildren, his oldest grandson, Kevin, just graduated from 8th grade. Kevin lives in a different part of the state. We could not attend his graduation but sent a graduation card with $5.00. Normally for all birthdays and special functions, we usually give $20.00 but with eight grandchildren, at times this can get quite expensive.
Alice, my husband’s daughter called to acknowledge the card for Kevin. She asked if my husband was having financial difficulties because he only sent $5.00 and some of her friends gave Kevin $50.00. She said we should have sent more. My husband was so surprised by Alice’s insensitive response, he hung up on her.
Last Sunday was Father’s Day. Alice did not call or send a Father’s Day card. Today, we received a thank you card from Kevin. He thanked us for the $5.00 and said if we had dug deeper and added $1.00, he could have bought a piece of pizza.
How do we respond to Kevin and daughter, Alice, who has undoubtedly projected her ideals onto her son.
Signed,
Hurt Grandfather of eight
This sounds like a tough situation. There is no excuse for the sarcasm that your grandson used in his reply to your gift. A thank-you should be genuine and unconditional. Graduation gifts are not expected in reply to graduation announcements or even to graduation invitations if one is not attending the event and you were kind to try to do something nice. As with any difficult situation, clear communication can go a long way toward finding a resolution. Let your family know that you felt you could not afford more and were hurt by the reply. This will help them to understand if the next time you choose to reply with a card or some other gesture that shows care but does not tax your available resources.
Although it falls outside the etiquette advice that we usually give, Graceandhonor does make the point that expectations are often set by the actions that we take and that a change in these actions can communicate something whether it is intended to or not. If you agree that this is the case you might choose to acknowledge that as part of a healing process. Good luck as you work this out.
when did they “graduate” from the 8th grade? i got NOTHING for finishing middle school and frankly, i didn’t expect it. Alice and Kevin sound very spoiled and their behavior was shameful. there is no finer way to put it, and there is no excuse for their actions. none.
i can tell you that i finished 8th grade in 1980, so i am not that young or that old.
i find it terrible that they make any excuse to get money and gifts when a card will do. what happened to the thought that count and by thought it was just that, a thought to say congratulations.
i am sorry you have to deal with a daughter and grandson like this, however, do NOT apologize. in my opinion you did NOTHING wrong.
they did.
It is not uncommon for children finishing middle school in 8th grade to have a graduation ceremony. And, before the middle school system was re-instituted in our area, I had one at the end of 7th grade. I would much rather send a graduation gift for a middle-schooler than be subjected to a sweet-sixteen demand. The former marks academic accomplishment, the later, mere existence.
Regardless of the occasion, it was important to the child and didn’t appear so to the grandparents. Mistakes were made all around and my suggestions are meant to mend the long-term relationship, not let it fester or deteriorate further, which I believe will happen if the grandparents don’t take the initiative.
The daughter was totally out-of-line with her handling of the grandfather’s check. The grandfather was considerate by sending a card and a check (even if small by his daughter’s standards). The grandfather should have been thanked for the gift without any mention of a larger amount.
If Alice, the daughter, brought up the subject of finances with her father out of a genuine concern for his financial well-being, then she wouldn’t have followed up with her comment about the other people who gave the boy $50.
To Graceandhonor – You’ve made some incorrect calculations regarding the yearly cost of gifts. The grandfather, alone, has eight grandchildren. The wife is not the mother of those grandchildren. There is no mention of the total number of children and their spouses in the family, or if the wife has any grandchildren of her own. Once the expenses of buying gifts for all of these people are added up, the cost is/can be significant – especially for grandparents who may be living on a fixed income. A graduation from 8th grade may be significant to the parents, but not as significant to others. Simply because 8th grade graduation may be more common today than it was, doesn’t mean that everyone must place the same significance on it that the parents are.
The daughter should apologize to her father for her actions and comments. By the way, the $5 received would purchase a slice of pizza in most places that offer pizza by the slice.
I realize I made errors in my calculations; regretfully, I did not catch them in time. I still believe the grandparents did not appropriately acknowledge this event that was important to the child; it wasn’t the amount they gave, so much as the gift seemed to have little thought behind it. I believe that is what the daughter reacted so badly to, and of course, it flowed to the child. Sad all around.
The grandfather sent a card and $5, so there was some thought behind it. Would there have been more thought behind it, if he had sent the same card but with $20 or $30 in it? No. She was upset about the amount of money that was sent.
The etiquette rules, as I’ve always seen them, indicate that you thank someone for the gift. If the value of the gift is too large, then you can have a serious talk with that person at a later date about spending less money in the future. But, you don’t do the same thing for a gift that is, in your opinion, too small.
It’s a shame that the daughter essentially “retaliated” against her father by not even sending him a birthday card. Hopefully, her son later learns that his response was unacceptable.
P.S. I was married 20 years ago in a formal wedding with a sit-down dinner. Among the invitees was a college friend, plus guest. In addition to a card, they gave a gift of money, $10 total. I was happy to have them at my wedding.
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