1. Curious Groom to be

    We are planning a 2010 wedding. My bride has 3 brothers, and as it stands, she has 4 to 5 bridesmaids. I easily have 5 very close friends and relatives of my own, almost all of which who’s wedding I was a groomsman. She has mentioned that it’s good etiquette to have her brothers as groomsmen. What takes precedent, her brothers (all of whom I really like, but have only known as long as I’ve known her), or my best friends? Having them as ushers is more than fine with me.

    • Jennifer

      Her brothers should be ushers. My brother isn’t in our wedding because he has 3 brothers and barely knows mine since my family lives on the other side of the country. We are also having a destination wedding, and since I don’t need ushers for the 16 people that will be sitting, my brother is walking our mother down the aisle. His brothers are his groomsmen with one being the best man, and my sister is my maid of honor with 2 friends as bridesmaids.

  2. Jennifer

    I’m getting married in Hawaii on July 5 and everyone will be there from July 1-8. My fiance’s brother wants to propose to his girlfriend the day after the wedding, which I think is improper wedding etiquette for a destination wedding for which he hasn’t paid a dime for. His parents are paying his way (he’s 25) because he only works during the ski season. He never has any money. If this wasn’t a destination wedding, I don’t think I would be as mad as I am, but considering that my parents agreed to pay for a wedding there, I feel this is poor judgement on his part and is wrong for doing it. He doesn’t care that he’s hurting me, and I’ve always been the one that defends him when his family says he’s a loser because he didn’t finish college and is a snowboard bum. Why would you do this to the one person that defends you? One of my bridesmaids says to just think of it as him using you and that I should take pity on him because if it wasn’t for this trip, he would not be provided with such a nice place to propose. He should propose at a place that is special to them, which would be a snow covered mountain. Hawaii is mine and my fiance’s place because we meet there skydiving almost 2 years ago and after 2 months of talking on the phone, I moved from Connecticut to California to be with him. I’ll have been in California for 2 years in September. And, I have to mention this, people in this area all claim to be good Christians, including his family, and this behavior isn’t very Christian to me. He should be putting others (me) before himself, and he’s not. WWJD? He wouldn’t act this way.

    • Daniel Post Senning

      This is a tricky situation as we can see by the difference of opinion in the answers that you are getting. Both Sean-Thomas and Graceandhonor make good points. On the one hand it is hard to control the behavior of others. On the other hand it would be nice if you could express your opinions and feel heard and understood by your future b-i-l on the topic of your wedding. I am curious if you have spoken directly with your fiancé’s brother? Hopefully direct communication will let both sides of your growing family understand better where everybody is coming from. If you have already tried this repeatedly and communication has broken down completely it might be worth talking to the groom and his parents about what they think is a reasonable solution.

  3. Sean-Thomas Flynn

    I can understand your point. To a certain extent.

    Your parents are paying, that’s correct since you are bride. His parents paid his way, that’s fine too, they didn’t ask you to pay for it. He is going to be there with his girl-friend and you invited them both to a romatic wedding in Hawai’i. That’s great.

    But let’s remember that the wedding is over by the time he plans to propose. Yes this is your day, but your day is over now. Lives will go on. And if he is laying on the beach, the day AFTER his brother got married – then what’s the problem? I could totallly understand you being upset if he proposed AT the wedding or AT the reception (and I have heard of people doing that), but this is AFTER it’s all done with.

    I think you have much bigger issue with this man than just his proposing the day after your wedding.

    You say you defended him, yet you call him a “Loser” and a “Snow Bum”. His parents paid his way, not you, so why is that even an issue? One of your bridemaids stated “Just think of it has him using you”, clearly no one is going to give this guy a break and I have to ask, did this bridesmaid start this whole thing? Honestly, reread your letter – you talk of him as the poorest, most worthless person and yet, I can’t belive I would say this, but you sound like a Bridezilla – “Everything should be as I dictate or not at all!”

    WWJD? You’re right – He would have acted differently, but He certainly wouldn’t have acted and spoken like you either. Turn the other cheek.

    Frankly, it sounds like nothing this young man does is going to make anyone happy. But that is for Freud not me.

  4. Graceandhonor

    It is inconsiderate of your b-i-l to even suggest this; all the subsequent thoughts, explanations, worries would not have arisen were it not for this fact. As his parents are paying his way, your bethrothed should appeal to them to speak with him. Not only is this disrespectful of your wedding event, but places his girlfriend in the unfortunate position of being an accomplice, and robs her of the undiluted joy the entire family might feel in welcoming her.

  5. mags

    My word!

    Your future brother in law plans to propose to his intended the day AFTER your wedding?
    Are you not happy that the alleged snow bum/ loser has finally decided to settle down?

    A ‘good christian’ would be pleased at the annoucnecment of any nuptials, however if it it is not in your nature to do so, perhaps you might speak to the brother and explain to him in great detail the theory of ”stealing one’s thunder”

    I doubt he’ll understand your refusal to allow him to propose in such a glorious setting, did you pay for his ticket(?), but you could perhaps direct him to him a website such as Dairy Queen, that you find ‘more appropriyate’ FOR SHAME!

    I have been invited to a number of ‘destination weddings’ and it has cost me a FORTUNE – what with airlines, hotels, etc. I would love the extra added drama of a proposal, which may or may not pan out!

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