Open thread
2009 June 15
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I have a group of friends that live two hours from me. I go to see them about once every three or four months. We have all known each other for different periods or time (a couple were friends before the rest of us came along) but for the most part, we all came together about 20 years ago. Now, about 10 years ago, we all moved away from where we lived and while most settle in the same town, I did not. I eventually moved back to our hometown, but I now feel that I have little in common with them. They are good people but when we get together we do nothing but sit at one girls home and talk about the same things over and over again. This last time they wanted to get together, I cancelled and told them that something came up. I felt badly but I knew, I just didn’t want to go. And I was much happier not driving the four hour round trip. I went to lunch with my closest friend and spend the evening with my dog at home. I can tell you that when I bought my house five years ago, I invited all of them, but none of them drove to my house for the party (even the ones that live just 45 minutes away). I feel as though it’s become habit only and I find it boring to got there. They certainly don’t make an effort to comme to me, but then most of them work from home and a couple don’t even own cars.
My question is this: Do I need to tell them that I feel that the relationship has come to an end, or do I just make myself unavailable until the communication stops. I have friends and family that tell me both ways.
Hi Sean – Thomas,
I am running out of the office but didn’t want to miss writing you a reply today. I so value your contributions here and look forward to giving you a more considered answer soon. ; )
I know you are very busy man Mr. Post so I thank you for taking the time just to write.
As I am likely more advanced in years than you, allow me to share my perspective on your fading interest with this particular group of friends. There is no need to make a declarative equivalent of, “I liked you once, but now find you boring, so I’m going away now.” Allow yourself future choice for that time, in a burst of nostalgia, that you may actually want to see them again. Though it may feel as if you are on the wrong end of a one way street, one can never have too many old friends, or at least, friendly acquaintances from the past. Life is short. Model graciousness for those who may need it. And remember, she who dies, having burned the fewest bridges, wins.
I appreciate your insight. My “guilt” at lying and making excuses not go is really what is weighing heavily on me. I do not like to lie, but at the same time, as you said, I do not want to make declarations that I do not like them anymore. I don’t even feel that it is about “liking” them as I feel that our paths have gone in different directions and are now so far apart as to question why we come together. Again, these are good people and I have no problem with them, I just feel that my time would be mroe enjoyable spent even being alone, not to mention just doing something else.
I will take your advice and just leave it for now. I will make my excuses that I have prior committments (I can use myself as a committment, can’t I?).
Mr Senning – I want to offer an apology to you. I realized that I called you Mr Post and not by your proper last name. My only excuse is that I had the Post name in my mind and responded without proof-reading. Please be assured that I meant no disrespect to you or your family.
I appreciate the thought and ask you to please think nothing of it. I enjoy the way you participate here and look forward to getting to know you and all of the regulars better as time goes on. I will start by asking (a bit belated) how you prefer to be addressed. Is it Mr. Flynn or would you prefer Sean-Thomas?
Sean-Thomas is just fine, or even just Sean. I used to dislike my name when I was a child. So often it was mispronounced. However, it is now it is more previlant and yet, still different enough to be interesting. Thank you for asking.