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Just for background info: I am a single female, age 55, look and act younger. I have a very full life, and am open to romantic relationships in the future, but not desperate to get married. I retired from full-time employment two years ago, and now work part-time as a consultant. I’m not sure how much of this is pertinent to the following questions, but some of it might be:
1. I have another female friend who continually asks me to join her to go to wine-tastings and other social events that are just not appealing to me. They are dress-up affairs that generally cost more than I can afford, and once we get there we mingle with other people and don’t usually spend time together. Basically, she wants to go, but she doesn’t want to go by herself. I am her “safe” companion. I don’t want to be rude, but I want her to stop inviting me to join her at these kinds of events. Can you tell me a polite way to handle this?
2. I have a close friend in lives 200 miles away, who visits me and stays at my house much more than the other way around. Ratio of about 4 to 1. We have been good friends for at least five years. I have an extra room and bathroom in my house, and have told her that she is welcome to stay here when she comes on business. I don’t feel obligated to entertain her. Here are my questions: Should I feel obligated to have food for her in my home for a 3 day visit? She is a vegetarian. Second question: This isn’t truly a reciprocal arrangement, since she visits me much more than I visit her. So shouldn’t she take me out to dinner or do something special for me when she visits? Basically what I offer her is a comfortable and clean place to stay when she is in town, including the use of my computer, and the pleasure of visiting some of the time she is here. She also has other friends in town, and she likes to visit them too.
Thanks in advance for any help you can provide. I’m new on this board so I don’t know exactly how it works…will probably mess up a couple of times before I get the hang of it. Thanks – kk
Every Christmas for the past 17 years my husband and I host a sit down dinner for our family. We have two children a 17yr old and 20yr.old. Every year my first cousin and his wife bring their children , both under the age of five. However they never bring a gift for my children and rarely bring a hostess gift. Last year I casually mentioned to the wife that it was unnecessary for her to bring a hostess gift and suggested that instead she might want to bring for the children. Fast forward to this year–They do not bring a gift for my children, I refuse to give their children the gift that I had purchased for them because my kids insisted that we give them nothing if they came with their arms swinging. I feel bad about this since the little kids are the only ones being penalized, however the past four years we have been giving a gift and receiving zilch. Rather than withholding the gift is there something else that you might suggest that I could have done— I have next year to contend with!
It is too bad that your guests did not take the hint and have not reciprocated the gifts that you got for their children. At the same time it is hard to know what the situation is for the other family. They may have a very different set of expectations around giving gifts at the holidays. Based on your past experience I would assume that they are not going to bring presents and plan accordingly. This might mean inviting them to dinner and not buying gifts for their children this year. If they happen to choose this year to bring something, simply thank them and acknowledge how unexpected the gesture is.
I’ve been encountering many situations as of late where individuals (men and women alike) are asking my age. Is this appropriate upon first meeting someone? I’m 28 and always thought you were never meant to ask a lady her age!
Generally this is a topic to approach with care as some people feel this is personal information. It is certainly best left alone for a first meeting. As Sean-Thomas points out, good humor can serve you well in these types of situations. You might respond “Not nearly as young/old as I look.”
When spending the night in someone’s home as a guest, what do you do with your sheets before leaving? I decided to remove the sheets and leave them folded in the room after making up the bed with just the bedspread. Was this correct?
Yes. As Sean-Thomas referenced, this is exactly the right thing to do.
To Kathleen: Your friend that invites you but you dont want to go. Simple, just do not be available. “Hey I am going here, do you want to come?” response, “I can’t that night, I have a prior committment.” Go to the things you want to go to, and politely decline the other. Even if you are staying in by yourself, are You can be your own committment. As for your friend that comes to stay, I would think even though you are offering her to stay in your home, I don’t believe she has to take you out. You offered out of the goodness of your heart, one would then assume that her company was enough for you. On the other hand, if she doesn’t treat you well and you feel resentful about it, see my answer to your first one, and don’t have a room available.
To Linda: You are right, only the children are suffering. This sounds like a problem with the parents, but again, gifts are to be giving because you want to, I think, not because you expect something in return. Maybe I am wrong but with-holding the childrens gifts smacks of vindictiveness and as a way to hurt the parent through the children. Stop inviting the parents to dinner – that should solve that problem and instead of buy gifts for their children, get gifts yourself for your children.
To Shannon: I think it’s rude to ask anyone their age, regardless if it’s a man or a woman. Granted, if this was a physician or nurse asking in the course of treatment, then it would be appropriate. Also too, I have a tendency to let the question slide when asked by an elderly person or someone who is a friend of my mother’s (it’s not worth getting the person upset and maybe embarassing my mother at the same time). However, in a casual encounter, you could say with respond with a broad smile and say, “Old enough to know not to ask someone their age.” Most like Mrs. Post would know how to phrase it even better than myself.
To Sally: I JUST read this in my 17th edition of Etiquette and you are totally correct. Unless of course, your host or hostess has stated otherwise.